Stop Looking for Happiness in the Same Place You Lost It

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

For some reason, no matter how many times something proves itself to be harmful or hurtful to us, there is often a strong pull back to it; we hope that this time things will be different and we'll achieve a different outcome. There are a multitude of things that we often think will bring us happiness: wealth, fame, success, a relationship, being thin, etc. We get an idea in our mind that once we achieve this one thing, then we will finally be HAPPY, without question and without doubt. The problem with the idea that any one thing will bring us happiness is the fact that there is no specific amount of wealth or thinness or fame that magically makes us happy; we often find that when we reach the milestone at which point we were supposed to be satisfied that the milestone has suddenly been pushed further off, and we are still left searching for something that seems perpetually beyond our grasp.

For those of us with eating disorders, we believed that we would find safety and happiness in thinness. We believed that our problems wouldn't seem so bad as along as we had slender bodies. And in our quest for the perfect, thin body, we made ourselves miserable. I remember believing in high school that if I was thin then I would feel confident, be more well-liked, and get invited to more social functions. The reality was that I still remained self-conscious of my body, and I didn't go to the social events I was invited to out of fear of the various food-related functions. For example, going out to Denny's after a performance was a common event for cast members in the drama department. I was in three plays and only ever went once. Instead of making me happier, my eating disorder made me sad and isolated. It made me feel hopeless, because even as I got thinner I couldn't achieve the happiness and self-acceptance my eating disorder kept promising me. It was the typical rabbit hole - I kept chasing the idea of happiness and self-acceptance by doing everything my eating disorder told me to do, but once I got to a new weight where I was supposed to feel good, my eating disorder would shift and tell me I still wasn't there yet. 

We all need to pull ourselves out of whatever rabbit holes we may be digging for ourselves. We must pull our heads out and recognize that these pursuits are not serving us, nor are they allowing us to reach our potentials. And they sure as hell aren't making us happier. This affirmation is a strong reminder that whenever we feel tempted to return to old habits or try things that we already know have failed us multiple times over, we need to be strong and not buy into the tempting falsehoods. We must remember the reality and refuse to trust the fictions our minds begin spinning for us. My eating disorder told me that being thin would make me happy and self-accepting. In reality, it made me sick, sad, lonesome, and trapped. So today, when my eating disorder tells me that I would feel better if I was thinner, I know it's a lie, and I know it's a lie that I have to ignore. The things that I have found that truly bring joy in this world are as follows: authenticity, connection with others, freedom, family and love, good friends, and engaging in the present moment. None of these things are more or less enjoyable if I'm thin or rich or successful. As a result, we need to remember to stop letting arbitrary status symbols torture us into unhealthy, unhappy lives. We need to stop looking to these things for happiness because they drain us and prevent us from savoring what's right in front of us. I'm grateful for these wise words of affirmation, and hope that they give others strength. May we all stop chasing illusive ideals and instead find joy in who we are, where we are, and who we're sharing our lives with. 

Wishing you all freedom from rabbit holes,

Taylor

I Will Resist Anything That Takes Me Off The Chosen Path Of Recovery.

I will resist anything that takes me off the chosen path of recovery.

Once we have decided that it is time for us to begin our process of recovery, it becomes evident that this is a choice we have to keep making every single day on this winding journey.  Recovery is hard, and one of the hardest parts is learning new ways to live and navigate our lives without turning to our eating disorders for support or control.  Learning to do things differently is scary and anxiety-inducing, and often the temptation to run back to our eating disorders, and the ways we used to do things, is very strong because at least we know what to expect, which offers us a temporary sense of safety and numbness.

These urges come daily and often during recovery, and this is where this affirmation is so helpful.  Eating disorders are sneaky and will often suggest small deviations from our plans in recovery, telling us it's okay if we hold onto at least a few of our behaviors to protect and comfort ourselves.  For example,  my eating disorder often argues that it's no big deal if I skip a snack from my meal plan here and there, and, in the moment, I believe it.  When I look back, however, I realize that by taking that one, small detour out of recovery, I have given power back to my eating disorder, and that as long as I continue handing power to my eating disorder by stepping away from recovery, I will never be able to fully recover and relinquish my dependence on my eating disorder.

So, it is in these moments of temptation, when we want so badly to just give into our eating disorders without at fight, that these words are so powerful, reminding us that nothing, not even the smallest deviation from our recovery plan, will be allowed to take us off our path of recovery.  These words remind us that recovery is an important, full-time commitment, and that to get where we want to we must take back our power and say "no" to anything that will sabotage our progress.

This is by no means an easy endeavor, but we are all capable of tapping into our inner power and choosing recovery day in and day out.  So, let us all choose recovery, and find strength in saying no to anything that tries to get in our way.

Wishing everyone strength in recovery,

Taylor

I Am Grateful For Who I Am.

I am grateful for who I am.

It's the week of Thanksgiving, a time to be with family and friends with gratitude and presence.  Because Thanksgiving is a holiday with a large focus on coming together over food, it can often be stressful and anxiety-inducing for those of us with eating disorders.  In addition to this heightened emphasis on food, our society doesn't really support the balanced life we are seeking in recovery: gyms advertise three hour hardcore workout classes the morning of Thanksgiving, and people make comments about fasting to "save room" for the upcoming meal or how they "won't be eating for days" after the meal.  It's a time of year that is supposed to be joyful and bring people together, but it can often make us feel isolated and vulnerable to the messages of our eating disorders.

Despite all of these factors that can make Thanksgiving so hard for those of us with eating disorders, I believe we are all capable of not merely surviving Thanksgiving, but of actually engaging in, and enjoying it!  To really conquer our fears and anxieties surrounding this holiday, I think we really need to tap into that which Thanksgiving is all about: gratitude.  Gratitude for the chance to be with, and connect to, our loved ones.  Gratitude for time away from work and our everyday stresses.  Gratitude for the warmth and safety of our homes. This Thanksgiving, I'm also challenging all of us to add something to our gratitude lists: to be grateful for who each of us are; to recognize and appreciate our true and authentic selves, and to bring ourselves to our Thanksgiving celebrations.  If we practice gratitude for our whole selves, separate from our eating disorders, we invite our eating disorders to take a hike and move out of the way so that we can make space for connection and presence with our loved ones.  Whenever we feel the urge to turn to our eating disorders and their behaviors over Thanksgiving, let's instead say these words to ourselves, reminding us that we are each unique and beautiful in our own ways, and that it is our authentic selves, unadulterated by our eating disorders, that we want to bring to our holiday celebrations.

I know this may sound like a tall and difficult order, but I think we can do this.  We all deserve to be with our loved ones in celebration without the shame and punishment of our eating disorders.  To do this, we must take time to practice gratitude for who we each uniquely are, so that we may connect to our inner power and step into our celebrations with love and strength.

So, may we all remember we are all unique and beautiful beings and that when we connect to our authentic selves and practice gratitude for them, we are able to invite connection, presence, love, and joy into our lives.

Wishing you all much love and gratitude,

Taylor

Old Ways Won't Open New Doors.

Old ways won't open new doors.

Change and growth can be hard, and one of the primary reasons they can be so challenging is because it is difficult to risk stepping out of our comfort zones and try new things.  Whether we are trying to learn a new skill, trying to change how we interact with others, or are in recovery and trying to let go of behaviors or ways of thinking, we all have to accept the fact that to achieve a new outcome, we have to be willing to try something different.

For those of us in recovery,  letting go of our rituals and thinking patterns can be scary, and leave us feeling vulnerable because for so long these rules and behaviors have served as our guidelines, and have promised us safety from what scares us.  To let go of these behaviors is a big exercise in trusting that we will be okay when we change our ways.

I know that this has been one of the hardest parts of recovery for myself, because I can see the life I want for myself: a life with a sense of love and self-acceptance for my authentic self, with more freedom and flexibility, with more presence, engagement, and connection; yet to fully realize this dream, I cannot keep doing what I've been doing for so many years.  I can't continue to listen to and barter with my eating disorder, I can't keep letting my eating disorder determine what I can and can't do,  I can't keep running to my eating disorder when what I really need to be doing is developing coping skills.  Only by changing my ways can I get to where I want to go, which is daunting, but I have to believe it's worth it.

This affirmation is ideal to use whenever we find ourselves facing the urge to use old behaviors or tactics that prevent us from stepping into growth and change.  These words simply remind us to hold in our hearts our visions for ourselves, and to make the choice to try something new in an effort to fully realize our goals and desires.  Moving away from old habits is hard, but we are resilient beings and we can do it when we set our minds and hearts to it.  So, may we all recognize and hold close our visions for ourselves so we may have the courage to try new ways of getting there.

Sending encouragement and courage to all,

Taylor

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Fear - a universal emotion that has the ability to rob us of so many different opportunities and experiences when we give into it.  We all have our own unique fears, but it's likely we can all relate to the uncomfortable feeling of facing something we fear head on.  There is always the buildup to taking on what we fear, and during this buildup we get the urge to run, hide, or give into the fear, allowing it to continue to control and conquer us.  And the more we back down from what we fear, the more we ingrain in ourselves the belief that we are not strong enough to take on, and move past, our fears.

In recovery, we must face our fears in order to get better.  Whether it's trying to eat a fear food, trying to step outside our routine, or simply trying to use a new coping skill that is different from the maladaptive ones we've become used to, we need to take on the fears that keep us attached to our eating disorders in order to heal.  The longer we avoid facing what we fear, the more we believe we are too weak to conquer them.

Because the moments leading up to taking on a fear can be deeply intimidating and uncomfortable, this affirmation is ideal for helping us over the hurdle, moving us past the fear that is inhibiting us, and moving us into action.  These words are tremendously helpful because they honor the presence of fear, then invite us to feel our fear, then challenge us to step past our fear.  So often when we feel fear, we get the urge to turn away from it in an effort to end the discomfort it invokes.  This affirmation asks us to change how we feel about fear as an emotion.  Instead of letting our fears dictate what we can and can't do, these words invite us to notice the presence of our fearful emotions, but  then challenge us not to allow them to change our actions, especially when we know that growth and recovery lie beyond our fears.

We are all strong and resilient beings.  No matter what our particular fears are, we always have the choice to either give into them, or to move beyond them.  Ultimately, the more we refuse to allow ourselves to be limited by what we fear, the more we experience, grow, and get to know our true strengths.  Though I know it is difficult and takes courage, I wish for us all to make the choice to no longer be limited by that which we fear.

Sending support and hope,

Taylor

My Size Does Not Determine Who I Am.

My size does not determine who I am.

In a culture that is so obsessed with weight and appearance, it is very easy to become fixated on our physical appearances.  For those of us with eating disorders, that little voice in our heads takes this focus on the body to the extreme, causing us to base our concept of self-worth and self-valuation on this one part of ourselves.  As our eating disorders grow stronger, and the longer they are around, the more we lose sight of our whole, authentic selves.  And as we lose sight of these various parts of ourselves, the size of our body increases in importance in our mind because we begin to believe that if we're no longer thin, then who are we?  Fear of losing this one part of ourselves keeps us rooted in the cycle of our eating disorder: our eating disorder tells us we're only worthwhile if we're thin, and the more we engage in our eating disorder behaviors, the more rigidly we fear letting go of our eating disorders and our fixation on thinness, because we have effectively lost sight of other parts of ourselves to be proud of. 

This is where this affirmation is so helpful.  It reminds us that in recovery we begin to rediscover pieces of ourselves that we lost along the way, and we begin to rediscover and reconnect to our whole, authentic selves.  As we do this, we begin to let go of our belief that only our bodies and their size determine our worth and who we are.  We can use these words in moments of struggle, when our eating disorders try to lure us back to self-destructive behaviors by telling us we're nothing if our bodies don't look a certain way.  When we remember these words, we reaffirm what recovery teaches us: that we are so much more than our physical bodies, and that we all deserve to know and love our whole selves.  By choosing recovery, we allow ourselves to relinquish the idea that our bodies determine our worth.

So, may we all refuse to limit ourselves with the belief that our physical bodies define us.  May we instead choose to walk the road of recovery, discovering and reclaiming our true, authentic selves, and learning to love and respect ourselves for all that we are.

Wishing everyone the chance to rediscover our whole selves,

Taylor

Recovery Brings Joy!

Recovery brings joy!

The journey of recovery is a process that can be difficult, frustrating, uncomfortable, and anxiety-inducing.  Because we have to challenge ourselves to leave our comfort zones and withstand the resulting discomfort, it can sometimes be easy to fall into moods of anger, sadness, or frustration; we wonder why we have to go through this, and wish we could magically be cured instead of having to work every day for our recovery.  However, we must remember why we are working our recovery - because, even though it's hard, it brings amazing things into our lives.

This affirmation is a perfect reminder whenever we find ourselves slipping into anger or self-pity because it asks us to focus on everything we gain from staying the course.  With recovery we learn to connect to ourselves and others.  We learn to make genuine, authentic relationships.  We open ourselves to new experiences we closed ourselves off to in the past.  We start to open our eyes beyond the scope of our eating disorders so that we can see the intricate beauty of the world around us.  In addition, in recovery we begin to connect to our authentic selves and give ourselves the chance to find new reasons to love ourselves as we begin to take joy and pride in stepping into our full potentials as human beings.

Recovery is not easy by any means - it's a journey with days and days of waking up and recommitting to redefining our lives for ourselves.  And yet, it's easier to make this commitment each day, especially on the hard ones, when we remember how much joy and freedom recovery brings to our lives.  So, let us all commit to the journey and open ourselves to the joy that it brings us.

Sending you all thoughts of joy,

Taylor