I Can Stop Punishing Myself With Fear

I can stop punishing myself with fear.

I like this affirmation because it requires us to step back and consider what is actually driving our maladaptive behaviors.  For a lot of people, myself included, fear is a huge motivating factor to hold onto things that we know don't make us happy in the long run, but that soothe or comfort us in the present moment.  I know that for myself, the fear of the unknown or the fear of not being in control are two times when I turn to my eating disorder because, after over a decade of being my go-to coping mechanism, it brings me a momentary sense of control and power at a time when I am feeling anxious.

What these words ask us to do in a moment when we feel like turning to our eating disorders for relief, is to instead recognize the actual emotion - fear - that is triggering us.  By stepping back and taking a moment to name our emotion and what is causing it, we allow ourselves the opportunity to realize that engaging in our eating disorders actually does nothing to help the underlying problem that is causing us to reach for our eating disorders.  For example, my thought, "I'm meeting Alex's co-workers tonight and I really want to restrict," could instead be code for, "I'm meeting Alex's co-workers tonight and I'm afraid they won't like me or will think I'm dumb."  When I step back and look at this, I realize that fear is what is driving my urge to engage in my eating disorder, but that restricting does absolutely nothing to address the actual fear at hand.  In this instance, maybe I need to have a discussion with Alex for some support, or make a list of positive (non-physical) things that I like about myself.  Both of these actions are much more likely to directly boost my confidence and help alleviate my fears, without practicing a behavior that is self-destructive and ineffective.

In addition, these words remind us that we can sometimes choose whether we want to let something scare us or not.  For example, one of my biggest fears for the past twelve years has been that people will think I've gained weight or look too heavy.  For the longest time I just accepted this fear as something truly to be scared of, and I let it drive me to my eating disorder.  I now see however that this is something I can choose not to be scared of.  Instead of running to my eating disorder when these fears arise, I now try to say, "So, what?" and move on with my day.

I'm not saying that any of this is easy, but this affirmation returns to us our power to identify our feelings that drive us to our eating disorders, and to choose whether or not to give into these feelings.  Let us take time today to choose whether or not the things that scare us are things to actually be afraid of, and to challenge ourselves to move past them without turning to maladaptive behaviors.

Wishing you all freedom from fear!

Taylor